Asking Eric: Grandmom seems jealous of attention injured grandson gets

Dear Eric My mom has been living with me and my husband for five years One day she disclosed she was selling her house and disclosed she was moving in with me She had reliably talked about it and I narrated her when the time came she could move in as long as she added a room and a bathroom to our small bungalow She had plenty of money to fund this Well five years later there has been no addition and now she doesn t have the money to do it We have no privacy and share a bathroom Three months ago my son had a spinal cord injury and is now paraplegic They are optimistic about his recovery but it will take a long time My mom not long ago came to me crying asking to go to a nursing home because I don t have time to take care of her Truth be communicated I didn t take care of her before his accident All of a sudden she s helpless and says she can t get to the kitchen to get her own meals but she gets there just fine when I make her food I feel like she is trying to force me to take care of her even though I know she is absolutely capable of caring for herself I feel like she s jealous of the time I m giving my son I don t know if a nursing home would even take her but I feel like I should call her bluff I don t want to regret it later though Full House Dear House Depending on the level of care your mother literally requirements if any a nursing home or a senior living region might be a great option She could live independently receive care make friends and stay developing All great things The largest liability from your telling would be emotional Her behavior suggests an on-going pattern of emotional manipulation that would surely pop up again no matter how content or taken care of she was in a senior living district That might be something you just have to compartmentalize and deal with preferably with the help of a family therapist Because right now your whole family s strength is going toward caring for your son That is the person whose necessities are the majority pressing If your mother wants to move someplace else let her It s not a punishment But as much as you can make her an equal participant in the logistical planning so there s less fodder for complaints down the road and less work for you to handle alone in the present Dear Eric My adult son Aaron has been using drugs meth for the past two years Thankfully he has certainly quit but the drugs were replaced with alcohol He turns to me for help constantly financial emotional everything He s but acting so immature I realize addictions are complicated and he could benefit by in-patient recovery Somehow he keeps avoiding medicine ending up couch-surfing or in shelters at my place in the ER psychiatric wards or other friends floors while doing these intermittent binges I do talk to Al-Anon groups occasionally but they are very hard core I have boundaries and he experiences consequences but it s a struggle to watch him suffer so much even though from his own choices He says he wants to go into in-patient and seems sincere but then doesn t quite get there How can I advocacy him without enabling him Concerned Mom Dear Mom Millions of parents and loved ones share the frustration and worry that you re experiencing According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse more than million people had a substance use disorder in but only percent of them received remedy In the book Get Your Loved One Sober Robert J Meyers and Brenda L Wolfe recommend the PIUS method for healthy communication and more productive conversations P stands for speak to your loved one in a positive manner Related Articles Asking Eric After giving much to networking group entrepreneur gets little in return Asking Eric Grandmother and grandson caught in the middle of contentious divorce Asking Eric Married parent consumed by a crush Asking Eric Over man wants to father a child Asking Eric Spouse s sister stole inheritance but spouse wants to keep the peace I stands for use I statements U stands for express understanding of your loved one s perspective thoughts and feelings S stands for share responsibility or offer a explanation to your loved one Additionally as you try to help your son through this remembering the distinction between enabling and advocacy might help you I like to think about promotion as akin to holding a nail while another person hammers it into a half-finished piece of furniture it s aid in achieving a goal Enabling is like handing a person a completed chair Advocacy for Aaron can include being emotionally present for him listening to him asking him what s getting in the way of seeking rehabilitation This is going to be painful for you and for him but there are alternatives to ultimatums that may prove effective in your son s matter Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com