Asking Eric: Friend annoyed about taking in evacuating friends during LA fires

Dear Eric I have been friends with Bill for more than years When the fire started in the Pacific Palisades we had to evacuate our home My wife and I went to one friend s condo for two nights then to another couple s house for four nights and then we went to Bill and his wife s guest house which is separate from the main house We bought dinner for the four of us from a nice restaurant and we tried to stay out of their way as much as realizable I should note they had hosted another couple the first meager nights after the fire before we came certain days later Bill and I often go to sporting events together While I was with him for the Super Bowl this year he reported me you know we really did not like that you stayed with us We were annoyed to have you after the other couple had moved out but we felt obligated I was shocked as we never had an argument in years of friendship I did not say anything then but since the Super Bowl I have not contacted him or communicated My wife is very angry with them We sent a thank you gift package to them a week after we left Fortunately our home was spared damage and we ve returned to it He has not contacted me either but sometimes we go for a while without calling each other I really do not want to end a friendship of such long standing I am debating on telling him I was surprised I was angry and I was hurt by his statements or saying nothing and see if he contacts me as if all is normal What do you think Bruised Friendship Dear Friendship Bill s response is callous I entirely can t imagine saying something like that to a friend It s human to feel annoyed when stretched thin or stressed but everyone can agree that the fires were devastating and called on everyone to show up for each other and for the region I understand the tough position you re in You ve been good friends for a long time Personally I wouldn t want to be around anyone who thought of me as an obligation while in a time of need But you can extend him the grace he didn t extend you In an ideal world he d apologize But it seems there are other things going on with him and his wife so you re unlikely to get it However if you want to salvage the friendship you can reach out and tell him that you want to move past this and you hope he does too Be sure to keep communicating with your wife as you re doing this If Bill is so willing to treat you badly in an crisis there are possibly other avenues the friendship isn t serving you She might see them and help you avoid them She also might be done with Bill altogether But if you so desire you ll be able to return to sports outings casual conversation and any other parts of the friendship that uplift you Dear Eric My best friend of more than years is waffling over attending my son s wedding Her excuses for not coming are an as-yet-unplanned hiking trip in Europe it would be her fourth in less than two years and work which she can easily get out of This is my only child that will ever get married and the wedding is in her former hometown where she still has family and friends It s one easy flight This friend stays with us three to four times a year for several weeks when she has work in town My husband and I were allowed to invite four couples Even my siblings aren t invited Related Articles Asking Eric Husband objects to wife s work dinners with male colleagues Asking Eric Father s questions keep offending adult daughter Asking Eric Wife s comments to son-in-law bother husband Asking Eric Parents house has become free hotel for friends Asking Eric Brothers spar over -year-old loan I m incredibly hurt that she s even considering not coming To me this has already caused a shift in my feelings toward her I haven t spoken to her about it yet but intend to Are my feelings unreasonable Mother of the Groom Gloom Dear Mother Your feelings are utterly reasonable This is a special occasion and a rare one at that and it s reasonable that you want someone who means a lot to be present Talk to her about it starting with I statements I felt hurt when you mentioned you weren t sure about coming to the wedding It would really mean a lot to have you there Can you help me understand what s going on Maybe she doesn t realize how much this means to you Maybe she doesn t like weddings Maybe there s more to the European hiking trip She may not change her mind but that s not the point of talking to her The point is to prevent your feelings from staying bottled up and turning into resentment Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com